Chad Dylan Cooper's Guide On How Not To Get A Girl
by 24QueenMo
Summary: Chad's new stunt double comes and takes an interest Sonny, and Chad has made it his mission to make sure that Sonny doesn't get together with the newcomer, Tim or is it Robert? Chad can't remember his name.
1. Chapter 1

**Here's my newest story. It's probably going to be around a two-shot. This takes place... never mind. Chad tells you everything you need to know. Except that Chad's stunt double's name is going to be wrong a lot! So if there's a character that you're like "Who is he?!" Just assume it's Tim, Chad's stunt double. The next chapter is going to be longer. So that's it.**

**Disclaimer: I don't own anything.**

Sonny and I broke up. There. I said it. It was blunt and it hurt but it had to be said. There's where my story starts. As everyone knows, Sonny and I were the "it couple." You know the one that all the press wanted and spread rumors. We were happy (well, I thought so) and it was going great. Until that one Friday...I was going to pick her up that night, but before I could she said we're done or something like that. It was really awkward at work but it's been getting better, I suppose. _Anyway_, after the break up, I hit rock bottom. My world sucked and crashed around me. My directors made me have a "mandatory break" from the _Falls_. So instead of taking a vacation (like everyone else did), I pretty much moped in my room. I didn't come out until...I don't remember...it was a long time...  
So here we are. Yesterday, my director said that I needed a stunt double so I didn't get hurt. Bull crap, Chad Dylan Cooper didn't need one of those things. He was a man who can never die! Got that America?! Good, good, now that we're all on the same page. Let's start.  
I walk up to my director to get today's schedule. You know, what scenes I have to film and all the stuff.

"Chad, how are you today?" asks what's-is-name. Shoot, what the heck is that guy's name?

"Alright," I reply, looking at the variety of food at the table.

"Do you remember what today is?"

I look at him for a long time. "Is this a trick question?" I ask.

What's-is-name laughs. "You always were a funny kid, you know that?"

"I've been told." I have no idea what he's talking about. Was there something to do today other then acting...? Oh yeah, right, the new kid, the stunt double. Oh joy!

"You're going to meet your stunt double today."

"Oh, that's great." I do not want to have this conversation. Please, let me leave! I beg you, what's-your-name.

"Do you want to meet him now?"

"Sure," I reply. Yeah, sure, I've been dying to meet him...not!

"Timothy, come out," my director calls.

"Hi," says a boy, it must be Timothy.

"Timothy, Chad," says WHN. "Chad, Timothy."

"Great to meet you," says Timothy. The boy looks about fourteen, and is about the same height, which kind of scares me, just a little on the inside.

"Hi," I say, and shake the kid's hand. See, even though I loath him, I have to be somewhat respectful.

"Well, I'll let you boys get to know each other," says WHN.

"Thank you, Brian," says Timothy.

_Thank you, Tim_, I think. **Brian**. I have to remember that.

"So, Chad, what should we do?" asks Tim.

We? There is no "we." It is just me and my one man show. Doesn't this kid know me? Jeez. People.

"I'm going go eat breakfast," I say, holding my head up high.

"Ooh, can I join you?" Tim asks eagerly.

"Fine, Tim."

"Thanks, Chad."

I walk to the cafeteria, with Tom right behind me.

"You know, you walk very confidently," Tom notes.

"Yeah," I say. I walk to the bar to get my yummy meal. "Hey, Brenda," I say suavely. "What's for breakfast?"

"Your favorite dish," she says, handing me and omelet with bacon on the side. I'm pretty much drooling at the sight of it. I wink.

"Thanks," I say. Trent is right behind me, he gets something too. But I don't care to see what it is. It's been, like, five minutes and he's stalking me. It's kind of freaking me out. I sit down at the Mackenzie Falls table by myself. I look to see him staring at Sonny. Of course he goes after Sonny. No, he's probably just staring at them because they're so weird. Yeah, that's it, nothing romantic.

He sits down next to me, and keeps staring. Shoot, not a good sign. I have to distract him.

"So, buddy," I say. "What's new?" Yeah, from just meeting you five minutes ago.

"I think I have my first crush," says Trent. "I never felt this way before."

"Who's your crush?" I ask. _Please don't say Sonny. Please don't say Sonny_, I silently beg. Even though, I know full well it is Sonny.

"That girl from So Random," he says, nodding his head towards Sonny.

That girl from So Random! What. The. Heck. "That" girl has a name, idiot.

"Which girl?" I ask, playing dumb.

"Sonny Munroe."

Damn it! Why does it have to be Sonny? It's always Sonny. See, after I had her under my thumb like I do with every other girl, I was happy. My life was good. Perfect, perhaps. But now it's a nightmare sent from my personal hell.

"Welcome to puberty, bro," I say.

"Thanks?"

"Now, I know it's going to be different. 'Cause your voice is going to change and all that other shit."

"Do you have to swear?" he asks timidly. By the way, that little statement right there means he's a momma's boy. Pathetic wimp.

"When you become a man, you tend to swear more and more often, get the picture? So it's okay to do so. After a while you don't really think about what you say. You just say it..."

"Alright." Troy pauses. "It's just that—that I don't know how to talk to a girl. I mean, I just don't know."

"I think I can help," I say. Welcome to Chad Dylan Cooper's crash course on how _not_ to get a girl. I know, I know. I'm mean. I'm evil. Blah, blah, blah. The list of names that describe me are endless. Poor naïve kid. Doesn't know what he's getting into when you try to mess with Chad Dylan Cooper's girlfriend, well, ex-girlfriend that he still loves very much, even though she broke his heart.  
I know I should be mad at Sonny. Girls weren't supposed to break Chad Dylan Cooper's heart. Chad Dylan Cooper is supposed to break girl's hearts.

"You can?" he asks excitedly.

"Yes I can. But I need to prepare a little. You know, when you're the master at things like this...you have to prepare because you don't know what's coming at you."

If I really was trying to get Roy and Sonny together I could start right away. But since I'm doing the complete and total opposite, I need to figure out how not to get them together.  
But if you're Chad Dylan Cooper, everything, well, almost everything turns out in your favor. So no way in hell are Rob and Sonny getting together. Not on my watch.

**Now review to tell me if I should continue or not.  
Don't Forget: I love it, continue.  
La La Land: It's okay.  
Here We Go Again: I hate it! (Please, tell me why.)**


	2. Chapter 2

**This isn't going to be a two-shot anymore, I'm going to make it a multi-chapter. So yeah...  
WARNING: This has a lot of swearing in it. If you don't like swearing, don't read this chapter. But if you ask, I'll write this chapter again WITHOUT swearing. So one last time: If you do not like swearing, do not read this chapter. But if you ask, I will write this chapter over without swearing. You have been warned.  
And this chapter has a lot of angst. But, come on, Chad's a teenage punk who just broke up with his girlfriend, give the guy a break. Though, the next chapter is pretty funny and happy again. **

**Disclaimer: I don't own anything.**

The next day I wake up bright and early. I was up until three this morning trying to figure out a plan. I finally came up with one. So here's how it works. I'm going to tell William every that Sonny doesn't like. So he will give her something like a ham and cheese sandwich. Even though, she truthfully hates those things.  
I walk out of my car to see Will getting dropped off by his mother.

She says, "Bye, sweetie, call me when you get settled!"

I laugh. I mean, I just can't help not to. It's so sad that a boy that age as have to his mother drop him off like that. Poor kid has no chance in hell with Sonny.

"Salutations, Chad!" calls Bill.

I squeeze my eyes tight as if this kid was supposed to disappear from my very eyes. But open them just to see that he is still in front of me. Trying to take my girl away from me. Trying to drive me to the brink of insanity. But I will not let him take me down. I am Chad Dylan Cooper, greatest actor of my generation, blah, blah, blah, and I will indeed fight back. **The End**.

Okay, not really.

"Hey!" I say.

"Hey, Chad, do you know what we're going to do on our"—he leans in close to my ear—"secret mission," he whispers.

I'm literally biting my lip so I don't laugh. But I guess he had a point. This is my secret mission to never let Sonny and Bill get together.

"I absolutely know what we are going to do," I say seriously.

"Okay, talk to you when we get inside. We do not want to get any attention." He runs off.

Little does he know that I'm going to make him look like a complete and total fool. I sigh. This is going to be the best kind of fun since Sonny and I were together. I shake my head and follow him.

Oh, I haven't told you the plan...wait. Who am I talking to? Nobody could get in my head. Not even Edward Cullen. Yes, the "you" is also Chad Dylan Cooper. No only can I talk in 1st and 3rd person, I can also talk in 2nd, so there are 3 voices going through my head. But I'm mainly using 1st just so I can think straight.  
Here's the plan. First, well, what about I show you what I'm going to do. Chad Dylan Cooper doesn't repeat himself.  
I walk up to the moron.

"Hey, Mini-me," I say to Bob, my stunt double.

"Hi, Chad," he says, full of enthusiasm.

"I figured out the plan." I smile as I watch his eyes grow big.

"You did?" he asks.

"Yep." I pause. "Now listen. I don't have a lot of time. Because, as you should know, we can't be seen together." I'm trying as hard as I can not to laugh at him. But—but it's just too funny. "First off: We have to get rid of those blond locks."

"Why?"

"Sonny loves brown hair, brown eyes, oh, and glasses."

"How am I supposed to do that? I mean, look at my hair."

"Here's how: The Falls hair stylist is also great with wigs. Ask for her help. Never mind. I'll do it."

"Continue."

"Can you play the guitar?" I ask.

"No. I play the banjo."

Oh, my Chad Dylan Cooper! This is getting better by the second, he as no chance with Sonny.

"What songs can you play?"

"_Country Roads_ and _the Rainbow Connection_," he answers.

"Omigosh! Those are Sonny's favorite songs."

"Really? I think we are destined to be together." He smiles.

_Right_, I think. _You are always and forever shall be together...not_.

"So...Sonny likes tough guys."

"Oh..."

"What's the matter, dude?" I ask.

"I'm—I'm not tough."

"Jeez, dude, that's why you have me. I'm going to teach you everything you need to know..."

"Okay."

"Sonny likes tough guys, so that means you have to get rid of that whole idea of not swearing."

"O-okay," he stammers. "What should I do next? Just swear."

"Yes."

"Fine, bitch, I'll start fucking swearing every once and a shitting while."

"Not like that! That sounds like you're swearing on purpose," I say. "It's supposed to come out naturally."

"Uh?"

"You just don't say the words for the hell of it. You say them like they're part of your vocabulary."

"Fine, I'll do that."

"Fine, because I want you to."

"Good."

"Good."

"What's the hell is next, Mr. so-called I'm the greatest actor of his generation?"

"That's the anger I'm looking for."

"That's what I thought."

Wow! I have to give this kid some credit. I mean, just look at him. Swearing like this. But still, no chance, Bobby, no chance. I love my powers.

"Okay, you have to just insult the hell out of me. I mean, just say I'm an ass or something. She hates me. So she'll love you for hating me."

I. Am. Brilliant! I mean, just brilliant. She will never like him at all.

"Do you mean, like, say it in front of her or say it in front of you?"

"In front of Sonny."

"Cool." He pauses. "I just wanted to know.... How do you know all this stuff about girls?"

"I used to date the prettiest girl here, and I let her slip through my fingers, but I'm going to let that happen to you."

"That sounds like a quote from a Zac Efron movie."

"No, it's not! There is not a Zac Efron movie that I stole a quote from." I pause a moment. "I use to date girls like Vanessa, Miley, Hannah, Alexis Bender, Selena and that other Disney star. Ugh, I can't remember her name. But now she's hooked up with that Jonas brother."

"Oh yeah, what the hell is her name?"

"I don't know. Whatever, let's get to work. You really need to work on your hair." I take him over to the stylist. "Now, you wait here while I go find Georgina." I look around to see her talking with some guy who also works here. "Georgina," I say. "Georgina," I repeat. "Hey!" I yell.

She turns around, and says, "Yes, Mr. Cooper?"

"When I call your name you reply, okay?" I say like I'm talking to a child.

"Do you know my name?"

"Yeah, it's Georgina."

"No, it's Gina."

"Close enough," I say quickly. "Just do this. You see that kid?" I point over to my stunt double. "He needs a makeover."

"What do you mean?"

"I want you to work your little magic and put on a brown wig and brown contacts, got it?" I ask.

"Yes, Mr. Cooper," she says, scurrying away.

"That's what I thought," I say mostly to myself. I'm having way to much fun with this little project of mine. But I haven't done anything fun in ages. I haven't done anything for myself in ages. I'm only young once. So I better make the most of it.

* * *

A few hours later, I hear a knock at my door.

"Come in!" I call.

I see my director storming in. "What the hell!" he says.

"Huh?"

"What the hell did you do to Timothy?"

"I didn't do anything."

"Oh, sure, yeah, right, totally. You did nothing." He pauses. "Other then the fact that he's now sporting brown hair and brown eyes and glasses, nothing's wrong!"

"So?"

Brian cackles. "So? _So?_ Why the hell are you doing this to him? Yeah, I'm sorry that girl broke up with you."

"_That_ girl has a name, dickhead. Now, get the hell out before I make you get out," I warn. Whoa, I almost scared myself. Brian's a pudgy man. Even though I'm only 5' 10" I tower over him. I come and look down at him. "Get. The. _Fuck_. Out. Of. My. Dressing. Room!" I say. Now I'm getting angry.

He holds out his hands defensively. "Yeah, yeah, getting," says Brian.

I really want to beat the shit out of that man. I hate the Mackenzie Falls cast and crew nowadays. They always mocked me for liking Sonny, saying things like "she was bad for me," or "she's not any good," and "do you really think she's going to put out?" And now, after she broke up with me, they're always mocking her, and sometime me for not believing them. They can all go screw themselves. I don't need any friends anymore. I only need me and my one man show. And that's that.

**Sorry if I made anyone upset. Just ask and I'll write this same chapter without swearing. And don't forget to review.  
Mackenzie Falls: I love it, continue.  
So Random: It's okay.  
Hosier Girl: I hate it! (Please, tell me why.)  
One last thing. Should I have Channy at the end or not let them get back together?**


	3. Chapter 3

**I feel bad that I haven't updated in a while, but here's the next chapter.**

**Disclaimer: I don't own anything.**

I start to explain to Steve the plan to get Sonny. I'm going to have this handy dandy recorder so I can hear what he's saying to Sonny, and "help" him to better. Right, like I'm going to help him.

"Now," I start, "get your ass over to Sonny, and talk to her, got it? Scram."

**Number one thing that Sonny hates: The blunt approach.**

I smile as I watch him go over to Sonny.

"Hey," he greets.

"Hi," she says, unsure who the hell this is. He takes a seat across from her.

"You see that jackass over there." He points to me. "Yeah, total dick. I mean, he treats me like shit, he always looks like shit. You have to hate him."

"Well, I used to know him. We dated, actually." She looks at me.

I have that painful feeling again. I had that feeling right after she broke up with me. My stomach...hurts...I feel as if I'm bleeding. This has to end. But I don't know when it will end. I cringe a little.

Anyway, that is the end of stage one. Now for stage two of my little game.

**Number two thing that Sonny hates: Comments about sex and/or involving sex. **

"You know, every time I see you, I get a boner," says Samson.

"I'm—I'm sorry? What did you say?" asks Sonny.

I smirk. This is too good.

He ignores her. "You and me. Tonight. Dinner. Then my house. And then my bed."

"I'm truly sorry, but I barely know you." Sonny gets up and leaves. Ha, she hates him. I'm about to leave when he comes up to me.

"What the hell!" he says. "Yeah, good advise, moron. Now she hates me. Happy? I don't think this shit even works."

"My advice works like a charm. Watch and learn from the master," I say, and walk over to girl. She is about my age, blond hair, blue eyes, just your regular hooker. "Hey, babe," I say sexily. She looks up. "I really can't tell who's hotter: you or the food on your plate."

"Well, my food is very warm."

"And I'm very cold. Come to my dressing room and warm me up."

She smiles slyly. "Fine, let's do this," she says, and goes to my dressing room, I think. I don't follow her. Instead, I walk over to idiot.

"See," I say, "I told you that kind of stuff works."

"Are you going with her?" asks Steve.

"No, I'm not going to screw her. Besides, my dressing room his locked because they're painting in there."

Do you really think I'm going to go hookup with a girl in my dressing room? Really? That's just—ugh. Some things are better left unsaid. Sure, I have had gotten to second base with some girls in there...but no sex. I don't want to have sex in there.

"Well, it's obvious that I'm not as good as you in this, so we have to come with another plan."

Another plan? Another plan? Is he serious? Does he really think I want to waste my time, thinking of how to break those idiots up? I mean, really. Come on. Chad Dylan Cooper doesn't do that kind of shit. Doesn't do a lot of stuff like that.

"Yeah, yeah, I'll figure it out by..." I trail off.

"Soon, idiot," he says angrily.

"Yeah, let me sleep on it" is all I say. I walk off to my car. I have to escape somehow. I just—I just don't know if I can take this pain anymore. Every time I think or see Sonny, the pain sets in again. I hurt. I feel hurt. My body aches. It yearns for her. I miss her.

Instead of her saying, "I love you." She says, "How are you?"

Instead of me saying, "I love you, too." I say, "Good. How are you?"

We weren't supposed to end up like this. Where the hell will I find happiness? I can't find it. I don't find it. This little project that I'm doing right now is the closest thing to happiness I found in a while. I might as well continue. I mean, it keeps me occupied and happy, instead of bored and miserable. My mother even warned me that she'll send me to some psychiatrist if I don't change. I think this will make me happy. I think.

I give my head a quick shake, and step out of the car.

Today I will make it my mission to make sure these idiots don't get together. And make myself happy.

*I*I*I*

I'm back at my mansion, bored as ever. Though, this Call of Duty is quite addicting. I mean, I can take out all my anger by killing people.

"Chad!" I hear a voice yell. It's my mother.

"Yeah," I call down to her, not turning down the ear splitting music in the background. I don't hear anything until the door swings open. "Hi, Mommy," I say innocently.

"Turn down the music!"

I roll my eyes, and turn it down. "Happy?"

"Very. Now, there's someone here to see you."

"Who?"

"Timothy."

"Who the hell is that?"

"Stop swearing! And it's your stunt double."

Oh, that's his name. Oops. Forgot. "Send him up," I say, turning back to my game.

My mom rolls her eyes. "Timothy!" she yells.

"I could have done that," I mumble.

"Then why didn't you? Oh, yeah, you're Chad Dylan Cooper, star of Mackenzie Falls the number one tween drama."

"It's number one _tween show_. And I am the greatest actor of his generation—you for got to add that," I say as she walks out. My mother hates when I act cocky. She, of course, tries to stop me, but that's who I am.

The door opens revealing Eric.

"Hey," I say.

"Hi, Chad," he says, letting himself in.

Oh. No. He. Didn't. "Get out," I say.

"What?"

"Get. Out."

"Why?"

"Have you heard of knocking?"

"Oh, right."

He steps out and then knocks.

"Come in!" I call.

"Hi, Chad," he says, letting himself in.

"What do you want?"

"I want to know if I can take a different approach to asking out Sonny."

"No!" I say this almost too quickly. "I know how to ask a girl out!"

"I only have a few more days until I go back to my normal life. Can I try?"

"Fine, and if doesn't work. Don't come crawling back to me."

"All right," he says, smiling. "See you tomorrow." And he leaves.

This kid is way too perky for his own good. Jeez. I bet he wouldn't get Sonny. I bet he doesn't have a chance. Yet, there is always that one chance that they'll date... Nah, like you would go back to him, right?

**All right, that's it for now. So just review, those make me happy.  
Sonny With A Chance: I love it, continue.  
Wizards of Waverly Place: It's all right.  
JONAS: I hate it! (Please, tell me why.)**


	4. Chapter 4

**I haven't been getting that many reviews for this story, so I think I'm ending it here...unless you tell me other wise, so here is the last chapter of Chad Dylan Cooper's Guide On How Not To Get A Girl.**

**Disclaimer: I don't own anything.**

I can't believe it. I'm officially committing suicide. I just can't *beep* believe it. He won her heart. He is now her girlfriend. He was right. I was wrong. Is the world turning upside down and inside out or something? Or am I just the unluckiest son-of-a-bitch out there? I'm still trying to figure that one out, too. FML

Now I'm sitting in my library. I'm refusing to come out. I'm not coming out. Some one will have to make me. I lost her. She's gone. Even though I'm hate admitting this, but he's a pretty decent kid. Damn him. Why couldn't I try harder? I guess I'm not as great as I thought I was. I'm through with life. Got that, America? I'm through. Yes, world, you have beaten the great CDC to his death. This shouldn't come as a surprise to anyone. So when the unlucky person to find my body, I probably won't leave a suicide note. They should know why I killed myself. They should know why I did what I did. It's like Romeo and Juliet. I was Romeo. She was Juliet. He thought she died, so he killed himself. She might as well be dead (since she's with that loser), so I'm killing myself. I have the gun right in my hand now. I locked my door, turned off my cell phone, and did another bunch of shit so no one can contact me anymore.

I twirl the lovely killer in my hand. It's just when can't decide when I want to do it. Tomorrow? Today? The sooner the better, I guess. Maybe now.

So that's what I do. I take the gun and hold it to my head. I'm about to pull the trigger when I hear:

"No!"

But it's too late. I'm gone.

**Alright, so how was it? Should I keep going or should I end it here? Leave me a quick review and let me know.  
****X-Box: I loved it.  
PlayStation: It was okay.  
Wii: I hated it.  
**


	5. Chapter 5

**Okay, last chapter was sucky. But I'm going to make up for it by making this story happy again and putting it back on track with the original plot. And I've updated twice in one day!**

**Disclaimer: I don't own anything.**

"And that's a wrap," the director calls. "Chad, can you come over here."

I groan and walk up. What the hell does he want? I just killed myself...symbolically. Can't I just be symbolically dead in peace?

"What?" I say, when I got to him.

"You know, that was great—if the script called for killing yourself! What the hell is the matter with you?" he demands. "You 'killed' yourself because you wanted too. Penelope was supposed to come in and stop you. When did you suddenly think you can change the script and go off like this?"

Why not? I am Chad Dylan Cooper, of course. I can do whatever I choose. And I didn't chose to kill myself, Mackenzie decided to do it, not me.(Sonny always went of by saying that I get so caught up in my character that she sometimes can't tell who is talking: Me or Mackenzie. Sometimes I wonder if she's right.)

"I don't know... Maybe I thought it would be better suited if he killed himself," I say.

"But if you did that, there would be no show."

Isn't that to bad.

"Here's what I want you to do: find out why you're acting like this and do the scene again after lunch. And this time don't kill yourself!"

"Right," I say, walking away from this man. What does he think I'm going to do, have one of those realization moments where everything suddenly becomes clear and perfect. Anyway, I really can't stand to be around this dude. I can't stand to be around anyone for that matter.

I'm not going to tell the real reason to him. But here's the real reason: Alex got a date with Sonny.

It happened this morning. I walked into the commissary, going to get my meal when I saw him. He was with _my_ Sonny, talking about something. She was laughing with him. Yes, you heard me. She was actually _laughing_ with him. What the hell? How dare she? She barely talks to me anymore. Life sucks. Love sucks. The World sucks.

"So, Sonny, I heard through the grapevine that you're single," he said.

"Yeah?" she said, looking at him curiously.

"I was wondering if you would want to go out with me."

"Oh."

"Just one date, please? All that stuff I said to you yesterday was a bet — I didn't want to do it. But I really, really want to go out with you."

She bit her lip. "Yes."

My heart sunk. I couldn't believe it. This was literally the end of me.

So that is why I _symbolically_ killed myself. Now that I look back at it, I shouldn't have done that, because now I have to film the damn scene over again.

So here I am again, in the cafeteria, watching them laugh and eat each other's food. Sonny and I never did that kind of stuff. It's too romantic-ish. Ugh. Chad Dylan Cooper doesn't do spooning. After ten minutes of horribleness, I walk over there.

"Aren't you the cutest couple?" I ask. I know Sonny can see right through this. David can't. He doesn't know me well enough.

"Um, hi, Chad," says Sonny.

"Hello, Sonny," I reply.

"What are you doing here?"

"What am I not doing here?"

"I don't know."

"I don't know, either."

"You're so annoying."

"Dittos."

"If you can't tell, I'm with my friend."

"Boyfriend," Danny adds.

Okay, I hate this kid. How dare he? I used to date Sonny. I was her boyfriend. And the best boyfriend she ever had. Not that she would know or care.

"Um, you're not boyfriend...yet. I mean, we haven't even gone on our first date."

"Yeah," I agree.

"Chad, I don't know if you noticed—probably not, because you're so caught up in your own world—but you're not part of this conversation." She smirks.

"Fine."

"Fine."

"Good."

"Good!"

"What's going on here? Are you still, like, secret friends or something?" asks Dan.

"No," Sonny and I reply together.

"Right," he says.

I officially hate this kid.

And that's when I come up with a new plan. I'm going to do what I did before. Only, this time, I'm going to make it realistic. Genius, right? Of course. You see, he knows her generally. I know all the itty-bitty details. She hates ham sandwiches. She hates the banjo. She hates Christopher Wilde. She hates limeade. She hates my guts right now. See, I'm better at that stuff. Now I only have to make him trust me again... But I'm Chad Dylan Cooper, the greatest manipulator ever. So this will be a piece of cake...I think.

**Was this better and happier? I don't know why, but Chad symbalically killing himself cracks me up. Maybe 'cause I have a sick sence of humor.  
Anyway, review and tell me if it was better and if you enjoyed it.  
Blossom Scouts: I love it, continue. (And I'm really happy it's back on track.)  
Girl Scouts: It's okay.  
Boy Scouts: It sucked. (Please, tell me why!)  
As a random side note: I don't have anything against Girl Scouts. I've been a Girl Scout for a long time (11 years, I think).**


	6. Chapter 6

**And I'm back. See, I knew I would upload one chapter before summer's over. Wah! I can't believe summer's over. But that means that "Disney Channel. It's On!" is going to be done soon. (Thank God!) But that also means that two other things that I hate are coming back. Betty White. She's totally overrated. I mean, really. I haven't heard of her until that stupid commercial, and now it's Betty White this and Betty White that. (Plus, she's going to be on my favorite TV show and ruin it!) And _Glee_. I wish that show would go away and fail. (I watched it twice and both times it was stupid!) Okay, I just really needed that to just off my chest. I'm done now.**

**Disclaimer: I don't own anything.**

I saunter back into my set and see my director.

"Have you figured out your problem?" my director asks.

"Yes," I say. "I figured out that I'm sick of life and I wanted to kill myself...symbolically. And that was the best decision ever."

"O-okay, um, good to know," he stutters.

Ha, he's speechless in my presence. But really, who isn't?

"Yeah, it should be good to know." I walk away to get a little snack before the next scene.

"Hey, kid," says a girl's voice.

I turn around to see my costar who doesn't talk. "Yeah?" I ask.

"I've . . . I've seen you've been having a rough time lately . . . and if ever need any help. . . I'm there for you." She gives a weak smile.

"Thanks." That has to be the nicest thing someone as said to me in the past few days.

"You're welcome" is all she says, scurrying away.

I smile. At least there is one person that cares about me. It's hard when you're alone. You have no one to talk to—no one to under stand what you're feeling. Then I see Joseph. I feel a little happy, knowing that I have another plan.

"Hey, dude," I call to my stunt double.

"Yeah?" he says attitude-ish-ly. (I know that's not a word, but in Chad Dylan Cooper's head it is. Take that, suckers!)

Whoa. Where did this confidence come from? I mean, a few days ago he was a sweet little kid . . . and now . . . he's a punk. I think I've made a monster . . . and I don't like it.

And here's another problem: I'm the Hollywood bad-boy. (Well, behind James Conroy.) And he can't take that away from me. He's taken Sonny. He's trying to take my title now, and I don't like it . . . at all.

"I'm . . . I'm . . . I'm sorry," I spit out. Holy shit! That had to be the number one most, hardest thing I've ever had to do. I mean, I've had to do some stuff before, but wow. That was tough.

"For what?"

There's that attitude again!

"For everything. I gave you really bad advice to win Sonny's heart . . . but it was all bad. Though now, I can see that you really like her and I really want to help this time. I mean, I want to try to help you stick together."

Yeah, right. Like I'm going to help even more then I already did.

"Okay. And please explain how you're going to do that, pretty boy?" he asks, crossing his arms over his chest.

Oh, my Chad Dylan Cooper. He didn't say that, did he? He called me, and I quote, "pretty boy"? What the hell!

"I know, Sonny. I known her for quite some time and even dated her briefly. I can help you be the best boyfriend she's ever had. I don't want you to make the same mistake I did." That sounded believable.

"Those words were deep, man," he says.

Well, duh. I really had to make those awful words come out right, even though I wanted to spit them.

"Yeah, I'm good at that stuff."

"Well, what do you have to offer?"

I hesitate.

"Well?" he asks, annoyed.

"Well . . . I am going to film this scene. Bye!" I walk away. Shit. How in the world am I supposed to break up these two? I mean, I can ask my director to fire him and I'll be the one getting hurt. That wouldn't be good. What good is a broken Chad Dylan Cooper? Um, that wouldn't be good. It would be pointless. I might as well be dead. So what's next? I think back to what he said about talents. Banjo. Perfect. I mean, who plays that? It's such a dorky instrument. I can make him look like a fool.

I smirk. This is going to be perfect.

* * *

Okay, okay, okay. I finally came up with a fabulous plan! This is amazing. They are going to have the worst first date ever. (I mean, it's going to be worse then mine.)

Ah, I love this. You see, here's what's going to happen. First off, I'm going to give him terrible advice (as per usual). Second, I'm going to tell him her worst place you can ever have a date. And third . . . that's going to be a surprise. (Get your popcorn ready, folks. You're going to be in for a treat!)

* * *

I'm at the lunch table, telling Lover Boy my plan.

"Okay, so she loves this place," I say.

"She likes the commissary?" he asks in disbelief, leaning back on his chair. (He almost fell over, too!)

"Yes, totally loves it."

"So you're saying to have the date . . . here?"

"That's what I said, right?"

"Okay, got it. First date is going to be at the commissary."

"Here's the thing. Girls like to be impressed. So wear a tux."

"Wear tuxedo?"

"Uh, that's what I said."

"Why?"

"Because a guy has to impress a girl. Girls don't like to be the center of attention." Wrong. Girl love that. I like that, too.

"All right. What's next?"

"She loves sushi."

"Me, too!"

"And she loves it from this gas-station not far from here." Okay, there are two lies right there. She hates gas-station sushi. Period. (We had it and got sick on our fifth-weekiversary.) And the gas-station is going a good hour out-of-town. Good luck, K.C. (I wonder what his name stands for . . . ?)

"Okay, so I guess . . . um, I can't drive yet, so can you get it for me?"

I gulp. Okay, wrong move. "Sure," I lie smoothly. This wasn't in the plan! I want him to drive out to the middle of nowhere and I watch Sonny get upset, and then they break up. Damn it. Okay, don't lose your cool, Chad. Everything is going to work out a-okay. (See, I can talk in third person!)

"Oh, look at you two!" says Sonny. "You guys are getting along. I knew it wouldn't be a problem if Tim and I dated." She smiles and squeezes Kendall's hand.

"Yeah, there's no problem at all," I say with a fake smile. Yeah, other then the fact that I'm still head-over-heels for you and you're dating the enemy!

"At this rate we can all be friends," she says.

"And have a threesome maybe," I say. She looks like she's going to kill me.

"Ha, ha, so funny."

"Oh, I know it is. It's hilarious!"

"Well, I'll let you talk about your little show," she says, and then struts away.

"Does she hate you?" asks Mini Me.

"That's a good question. Sometimes she looks as if she's about to kill me . . . and other times she . . . she's just a total bitch."

"Nice."

"I know it is."

* * *

Here I am, outside of the commissary. And wow. I can't believe what Chris is wearing. He looks so bad compared to Sonny. She's just wearing a simple dress, but she looks cute.

They have nothing to talk about. It's amazing how bad they are together. Seriously. They're terrible. So, all in all, their date is going all wrong. It's awesome. I mean, really awesome. I haven't had this much fun since the last time I said that I would have this much fun . . . .

As he date goes on, Pretty Boy decides to show her is banjo. She gives a fake smile and says, "Yes." But I can see through it. She doesn't want to here it at all. While Ding-bat is playing the banjo. There's a trail of blood from Sonny's ear out into the door. She hates the banjo . . . so much. I feel bad for Sonny. She has to listen to him. I will admit. He's not that bad a singer. But Sonny hates this. Now . . . if only the banjo can play Eminem I would be set. But everything is going as planned.

I hear idiot walk away from the table and then he comes back. Yes, it's time for the horrible sushi to come into play. Yes!

"Where did you get this sushi?" asks Sonny.

And I spoke to soon.

"Oh, at that gas-station an hour away from here," says Chad Dylan Cooper two-point-oh.

"_Quickie Fill_?"

"Yes . . ."

"How did you get out there?"

"Uh, Chad got it for me."

"He did that . . . that to be _nice_?"

"Yeah, he's a great guy. I mean, he helped me come up with this whole dinner and everything."

"Did he now?" she says.

"Yeah . . ."

"How sweet." The words she says are bitter and sarcastic. She knows I'm up to something. "Sweetheart, I'm going to go to the bathroom right now."

"All right, come back soon!" he calls after her.

From my spot behind the wall, I hear her mumble, "Don't count on it." She continues to strut down the hall towards my dressing-room. Can't she see that I was standing right outside the door to the commissary? She is probably too annoyed to see me. But by the look on her face I can see that she's livid. And I take that as my cue to leave.

* * *

I cannot believe this. You won't believe this, either. They ended the season early. They ended Mackenzie Falls earlier then _So Random! _for no reason whatsoever. What the hell? I supposed it's kind of good, because Sonny threaten to kill me after she found out I was behind her horrible first date. In other news, the press had found out about Jeffery and Sonny. They even came up with a celebrity couple name (I can't remember it, though). Now I'm sitting at my parents' house, in the pool, alone with Sonny (well, Sonny's standing on the deck).

You see, he gave up on me helping him with Sonny, but he wants me to help with the press. (It's a long story involving him accusing me of sabotaging their relationship and me saying I gave him bad advise because I don't have good advise, thus Sonny breaking up with me. Which is a complete and total lie, because I have wonderful advise. I just don't like to share. That's all.) I've been giving him some bad ideas lately. It's funny, really. I mean, I just check the blogs and see what the idiot's been up to. Sonny, on the other hand, doesn't find it all that funny. Well, she's more the serious type when it comes to the paparazzo.

Now I look at her as she looks like she's about to kill me. (But I'm in the middle of the in-ground pool while she's on the deck. So I should be safe.)

"Chad Dylan Cooper, I can't believe you!" screams Sonny.

"Why?" I ask a little too innocently.

"You know why."

"Seriously, I don't know."

She sighs. "You have been talking to Tim—"

"Who the hell's Tim?"

"Timmy's my boyfriend," she says in a _duh_ tone-of-voice. I say nothing and stare at her blankly. She looks at me and gasps. "Oh, please don't tell me you don't know his name. You're kidding, right?" I don't say anything. "Oh, Chad!" she wails. "You're giving bad advice to my boyfriend, but you don't even know his name?"

"How do you know I'm talking to your boyfriend? I'm sure he's just doing this stupid stuff on purpose."

"No, I've been checking his incoming and outgoing calls."

"Creeper," I say in a sing-song tone.

"I—I just don't want him to cheat on me."

"Paranoid."

"I'm not paranoid! I just don't want to get hurt . . . again . . ."

"I'm not the one who broke up with you. If I remember correctly, you broke up with me. You broke up with _me_ right before our date."

"Well, guess what? This conversation right here is why I broke up with you. You . . . you are self-centered, conceited, cocky, and arrogant. Those reasons right there is why I broke up with you. Goodbye, Chad." She walks away without a second glance.

I sigh. I can't believe I blew it again.

* * *

Summer's over. I can't believe it. It happened too soon. I mean, really. Where did you go? Arg. If I was a girl, who I am not, I would probably cry. But I'm a man and we don't do things like that . . . even when it comes down to us losing our flitter followers. (Not that I would ever cry over such a stupid thing like that . . .)

Now I find myself chasing Sonny down the hall. In Tween Weekly, I saw Zach hugging Sonny. It was creepy as hell. I'm trying to tell her that she's making the wrong choice.

"What do you want from me?" she says desperately, her eyes tearing up.

"I don't . . . I don't know what I want. I can't tell you that." Oh, shut up, you idiot. You know exactly what you want. You want them to break up. You're just too much of a coward to admit it. (On a side note, I told you I could talk in second person!)

"Do you want me to kiss you? Will that make you happy? One last kiss goodbye before I'm through with you . . . for good?"

I pause and look up. She's done with me? What? Well, at least I can make this memorable. This makes me a little sad inside. But I smirk as I see the person I wanted to see all day. "Yes," I say.

"Fine," she says, and pulls my face down and starts to kiss me.

All I can say is . . . SCORE!

**All done. There will probably one more chapter and it's done! YAY! Sure, I'm sad to see it go, but it's been months. So, yeah. Now I'm going to read the final Hunger Games book. (Which is really good so far!)  
Don't forget to review!  
Ducklings: I love it!  
Ducks: It was all right.  
Geese: I hate it! (Please tell me why!)**


	7. Chapter 7

**This is it. This is the final chapter of _Chad Dylan Cooper's Guide on How Not to Get a Girl! _Aw, I'm sad inside. But I know I'll feel better considering that this is the only story I ever finished. LOL  
****Disclaimer: I don't own anything! Wait! I do own Chad's stunt double. So, ha! Yeah . . . I rock.**

Oh, this is not good. Well, it is good, but not good. Do you know what I mean? You see, I love kissing Sonny. But I hate the fact that it's going to end all too soon. I want to kiss her . . . forever.

Here's one thing I realize, though. That Abraham was standing right there, gawking. I want to say to him, "See, this is how you kiss a girl!" but I'd rather let him suffer. (I'm evil like that.) Then it ends all too soon.

"Holy shit! What the hell was that?" he asks.

"I think he's mad at you," Sonny whispers smugly.

"Mad at him? Oh, no. I'm mad at you!" he says to Sonny.

I laugh. "Whoa, whoa, whoa, are you saying you're not mad at me?" I ask suspiciously. If he's not mad at me this is good.

"I'm a little mad at you," he admits, "because you kissed my girl. But, Sonny . . . Oh, my Lord! You offered to kiss him! We're done," says Julius, and walks away.

"I can't believe you!" screams Sonny at me. "You kissed me! Why did you kiss me?"

"Because you offered, I suppose," I reply. I can't believe what just went down . . . right there . . . in front of my eyes. It's amazing, really. She kissed me.

"Well, I don't know what I'm going to do." Sonny sighs, looking at the ceiling.

"Know what I noticed," I begin. She glares at me but listens. (Shocker, right?) "You always fell for jerks. And you are never able to keep a relationship. I mean, ours lasted pretty long compared to all of yours put together. Maybe you should have stayed with me."

She looks at me. "W-w-what do you want me to say to you?" she asks. "I gave you chance after chance after chance, but you always blew it. I mean, you throw up on me on our first date. You—you almost broke up with because of your flitter. You got a recount at the Tween Choice Awards so I lost. But then, like an idiot, I run back to you. I don't know what to do. Maybe I was always attracted to jerks. God . . ." is all she says. She walks away. I look around. Well, they're not together anymore. My work here is done. I smile and walk out.

**The End**

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

Do you seriously think I was done? Sure, I broke up the "It Couple." Yeah, I'm that good. But I still have to get Sonny back. I'll do whatever it takes to turn things around. I know what's at stake. I know that I let you down. And if you give me a chance, believe it I can change. I'll keep us together. Whatever it take . . .

And now I'm singing a song. (Who the hell sings that?)

I continue to smile and walk. Well, my "smile" is more of a smirk. I'm acting smug all day until idiot come around.

"Chad," says Joey. "Chad, I need your help! Please! I lost Sonny because I lost my temper. I don't know how to make it better. Please . . . I'm desperate."

"All right, all right, stop freaking out. Everything will work out," I say. _Hopefully not_, I add.

"How?"

"I know how. You see, she loved you singing. And she loves this one song . . ." I start thinking back to when I first found out he could play the banjo.

I looked on my laptop for the dorkiest songs of all time. I couldn't really find one expect this: The Rainbow Connection—a song from this movie that has those puppets in them. What are they called? Oh, yeah, _Muppets_. I think they're as stupid as Sesame Street. (I wonder if they're related . . .)

Okay, back to present time.

"She likes this song called the Rainbow Connection," I say.

"Really?" he asks.

"Of course."

"I think I told you that I could play that song before."

"Did you now?"

"Yeah, I did."

"Cool . . . cool, cool, cool." I walk away without another word. I can't wait to see how this turns out. (By the way, it's going to turn out awesome.)

* * *

I take a front row seat to see the train-wreck. I have my back to them so they don't see me. I listen as dingbat and Sonny sit together, talking. Mark starts singing some song and she, of course, is singing along with him. When they stop sing that . . . that horrible song, Sonny starts to talk. I listen to them.

"You know, Tim," she starts. Oh, that's his name! I knew that. I always knew that. (Actually, I had no idea.) "I really like you . . . but I have a really special person in my life—a boy that I still sort of love."

"Are you talking about Lover Boy over there?" Zeb asks, pointing his thumb towards me.

Sonny squints here eyes, trying to see if I'm there. I turn around and smile. She shakes her head and rolls her eyes. "Yeah, it's him. It's always been him. I never really stopped loving him. He's . . . he's just so . . . loveable."

"Well, enjoy your relationship," he says bitterly, and walks out.

She turns and looks at me. "I'll meet you in my dressing room in five minutes" is all she says. I raise my eyebrows. Well, then. I wonder what she has to say.

* * *

I sit in my dressing room, Tim (yes, I figured out is name) got with Sonny, but she said that she has a special boy in her life. And guess who that was? Me. She still likes me. It's so obvious. I mean, who doesn't like me? Never mind. Don't answer that.

I hear a knock at the door. "Yes?" I ask.

"It's Sonny," says, which I'm assuming, Sonny. And if you're thinking, _She just said it was, but it might not be Sonny is just crazy_. You know what? I'll tell you what. It could be a poser! So, ha! (Maybe it's that psycho trying to get revenge, probably not.)

"Come in!"

The door opens and Sonny peeks her head in. She opens the door hesitantly. "Hi," she says, closing the door with a soft _click_. "Hi," she says again. I look at her, waiting to see what she says next. "Hi," she says for a third time.

"Are you all right?" I ask, wondering why the only thing she can say is "Hi."

"No."

"Okay then, what's the matter?"

"I didn't want it to end," she says softly, sitting next to me. She looks at her hands before she spoke. "I didn't like how _we_ ended. I didn't want it to."

"Then why did you do it? Why did you break up with me?" I ask. I'm angry. I can't believe her. She is _finally_ telling me this.

"My cast made me," she admits. "I really regret that decision. I feel awful. I mean, I didn't show any warning that I wanted to break up . . . I just said it. And when I did . . . it hurt. I hurt and you hurt, too. And then when you left for awhile . . . I thought you quit. I assumed that you quit because of me. Sometimes I see your face and it looks pained. And I would like to get back together . . . but I know it's too late. You want nothing to do with me. I totally get that. So . . . I'll just leave . . ." She gets up as if to leave.

"No!" I shout, grabbing her wrist. "Uh . . . I know this is going to sound rather weird to you . . . but I'm in love with you . . . and even one you broke up . . . I know I couldn't stop loving you."

"Really?" she asks.

"Really," I confirm, smiling a little.

"Okay, so . . . when do you want to go out . . . again?"

"Tonight?"

"Then it's a date."

She smiled. And I couldn't help but smile back.

"I'll get ready," she says, running away.

I win. I got the girl. The enemy is gone. And all is well.

**The End**

Okay, it's seriously the end. I said that I bunch of times. But it's really the end this time.

**Epilogue**

Sonny shakes her head and asks, "You did all of that? You tried that hard so I wouldn't get together with Timothy."

I nod. "Yeah . . ." Now I know she's going to break up with me. Fantastic.

"That is . . . is the sweetest thing ever!"

"Seriously?" I ask. "You're not upset?" Okay, big shocker there.

"No," she mumbles. "Since you told me your big confession, I should tell you mine . . ." She hesitates. "The only reason I got together with him so that you were jealous."

"Wow . . .," I mumble. I lean back on the chair. She did that to get me jealous. "So that means one thing . . ."

"What?" she asks.

"You are totally and completely head-over-heels for me." I smirk as she starts to get flustered. She's so cute then.

"Okay, maybe I am, but don't make a big deal out of it."

"Fine."

"Fine."

"Good."

"Great," she says. She leans over the table (while knocking coke on my _new_ dress pants) and kisses me. "I love you."

"Yeah, I love you, too," I say, and kiss her back.

**The End**

Okay, it's really "The End" now. Everything is fabulous. I'm happy. She's happy. And the _So Random!_ cast is . . . not that happy.

**And I'm done. I'm so happy now. :) So how was it? Review and let moi know. So thanks again for reading.  
Emmy: It was great. I loved the whole story. (Except the one chapter four.)  
Oscars: It was all right.  
Golden Globe: It was horrible! (Tell me why, please?)**


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